There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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