It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
