Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
