I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
