Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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