Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
