I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
