My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
