That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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