Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
