I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
