Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
be right there i have to get my cape
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
