I cannot find my penis.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
