24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
