I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
