Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
