My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
