Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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