So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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