I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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