I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
