Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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