Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize