youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
