suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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