I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
