I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
