Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
