you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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