I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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