How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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