Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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