Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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