Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
