Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
