the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Your penis caused this!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
