my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
