I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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