Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
