Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
