turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize