i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
