A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
