I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
