if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
