You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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