made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
