what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
