you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize