He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
