Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The Olympian is in my bed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
