o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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