my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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