I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
