either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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