Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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